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Good writers: Fix this clunky sentence I can't seem to fix
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:48 AM Author: Sticky Milk Volcanic Crater As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376133) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:57 AM Author: sinister canary crotch "C was seen driving in the X area, with D as a passenger, by both A and B."
(no one gives a fuck whether A and B were driving or doing a standing 69 at the time they saw these faggots) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 12:01 PM Author: burgundy chad box office they do if its an auto case. Contrib or comparative play a role potentially. Better to keep it clean.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 2:10 PM Author: bipolar hairless ticket booth pisswyrm Your sentence doesn't even say that A and B saw C and D, just that they passed them. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42377665) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:40 PM Author: Judgmental duck-like filthpig marketing idea As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42386999) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:42 PM Author: pink cerebral quadroon Subject: Quick fixxx As A and B were driving in X, they passed a car driven by C containing D as a passenger.
EDIT: LMAO at the date |
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:52 AM Author: Sepia institution “As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C. D was a passenger in C’s car at the time.”
Would break up the sentences. Your original sentence isn’t terrible though. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:53 AM Author: drab tanning salon hunting ground (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376148) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: Sticky Milk Volcanic Crater i thought about breaking it up -- it worse because it puts emphasis on "D was a passenger in C’s car at this time" -- which is a minor detail.
it doesn't really matter whether C or D is the driver. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:56 AM Author: Sepia institution Ah m, okay. For some reason I assumed that D was the main person. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376166) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: Sticky Milk Volcanic Crater C and D are both involved. I continue to use the term "C's car" for clarity (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376201) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:51 AM Author: sinister canary crotch "at this time"
ROFL |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:54 AM Author: burgundy chad box office Need to clarify at some point whether A or B were actually driving. Or were they in two separate cars, both of which passed C. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376155) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: Sepia institution Yeah I just worked with the isolated sentence in question b/c I didn’t know what the surrounding sentences are like. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376160) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:04 AM Author: burgundy chad box office You can do it in another sentence, but it's going to be important to be clear who was driving in the passing car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376205) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: Sickened appetizing school While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car that C was driving with a passenger, D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376157) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:57 AM Author: trip puce tattoo (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376168) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:58 AM Author: flesh stage factory reset button As A and B were driving separately in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: excitant walnut turdskin This suggestion isn't meant to be used word for word, just generally to give you the right idea on how to handle this sort of thing, please develop as part of an exercise in your own development as a lawyer. Really need to break this into clauses that explain everything.
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger.
WHEREAS A, B, C, and D are human persons domiciled in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS X is a certain area in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS A, B, and C are legally authorized to operate motor vehicles ("cars" and each individual such vehicle a "car")
WHEREAS on that certain date, A, B, and C were operating cars.
WHEREAS on that certain date, D was a passenger in the car operated by C.
Now, therefore be it resolved, on that certain date, the aforementioned cars traversed on intersecting paths in Area X.
[I assume by "passed" you mean "passed" as in "they passed by each other while headed in different directions," revise if you mean they were going the same way and A/B's cars passed/overtook C's car.]
Please handle and recirculate, thanks. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: Sticky Milk Volcanic Crater (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376203) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:45 AM Author: Brass Narrow-minded Coffee Pot (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376392) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:08 AM Author: Charismatic Soggy Step-uncle's House Psychic (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376526) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:25 AM Author: Titillating Olive Theatre (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376657) |
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Date: May 4th, 2022 12:40 PM Author: vigorous university preventive strike Very clear, no ambiguity, reads like 1st order logic, I like it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#44453959) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Glassy kink-friendly pit As A and B entered the X area, they looked at each other, and although none of them said a word, they understood each other perfectly. It was X area after all. Are there any Xs around, they wondered? They passed a beaten-up vehicle with ridiculous oversized chromed wheels with C as a driver and D as a passenger. X's! - thought A and B. C and D did not think anything. They were high. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376178) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:36 AM Author: Opaque Stage (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376332) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: Bright bawdyhouse (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376340) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: lascivious ruddy bbw FRIENDLESS FAGGOT BIRDSHIT A was driving some FAGgOt BIRdshit car alone(some other NIFmGGA was drivomg alone in another car) they passed ALPHA TURD C , who has MANY DRINKING BUDDIES, SO NATURALLY HAD A PASSENGER (most likely an AZNgirl getting wet for MAMMOTH TURDCOCK) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376183) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: Wine Partner (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376187) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: excitant walnut turdskin (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376195) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:18 AM Author: hairraiser spot (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376249) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:47 AM Author: motley rigor (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376406) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:36 AM Author: hot aphrodisiac stead (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376713) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:37 AM Author: Brass Narrow-minded Coffee Pot (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376724) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 12:32 PM Author: slate travel guidebook (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42377057) |
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Date: May 1st, 2021 12:19 AM Author: Wine Partner (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42380818) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Wine Partner As A and B were sucking each other’s cocks in the XXX area, C drove by with D cumming in his ass. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376184) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: drab tanning salon hunting ground i think you nailed it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376191) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:36 PM Author: Racy Crimson Gay Wizard Queen Of The Night (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42378174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: drab tanning salon hunting ground i hope everyone appreciates the mental illness being performed right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376189) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:28 AM Author: Vibrant dragon (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376669) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: Impertinent Razzmatazz Jap A and B passed D and C, who was driving. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376194) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: anal shrine stock car (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376341) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:52 AM Author: sinister canary crotch sounds like a riddle (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376816) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: honey-headed hominid i hate this crap
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D driving with C. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: Sticky Milk Volcanic Crater i wish this works and it sounds nice but it seems slightly off (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376206) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: honey-headed hominid As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D (who was driving with C).
This is it |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:07 AM Author: Sticky Milk Volcanic Crater doesn't it need "D's car" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376216) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:42 AM Author: honey-headed hominid it says he was driving, which means an automobile.
if you think specifying what kind of automobile is a key detail then can add that |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: burgundy chad box office Why do you need B, assuming A was driving. Don't say B was driving. Ever. If he wasnt.
As A was driving, they passed ... |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: Razzle amethyst state kitty cat you have to make it more exciting. keep the reader interested.
"Where did this take place? In X. And what happened in X? A and B were together in a car. And what did that car do? Why it passed by another car, a car driven by C. And was C alone in that second car? No, no C was not. C was with D. That's right. A and B passed C and D. It's all true." |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:08 AM Author: Razzle-dazzle Office Were A and B both at the wheel? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376217) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:13 AM Author: drab tanning salon hunting ground turns out it was a tandem bicycle. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376233) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:20 AM Author: anal shrine stock car (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376607) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:18 AM Author: hairraiser spot As some faggot and his friend were driving in the restricted area, they passed a car driven by a nigger and containing some other faggot as a passenger. Regards, I hope this helps. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376246) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:26 AM Author: Odious buck-toothed brunch gaping The two cars passed in X. In one, A was driving B. In the other, C was driving D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376290) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:29 AM Author: Impertinent Razzmatazz Jap star crossed lovers. reads like brokeback mountain (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376306) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:31 AM Author: Odious buck-toothed brunch gaping still the best way to do it. He has more than a handful of items to hit: location, two cars, who was each driver and who was each passenger, that they passed.
This does it and leaves no uncertainty at all |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:34 AM Author: Sepia institution (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376330) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:35 AM Author: Bright bawdyhouse Okay? Wow. Hey. Picture this: Cars A and B. Right? Going through section X. *makes large "X" using forearms* And boom! Right there, they pass car C. *makes "C" using hand* A car which, at the time, was containing D *unzips pants* as a passenger. *pulls cock out of fly* Any questions? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376331) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: Opaque Stage (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376336) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:40 AM Author: fuchsia sanctuary dopamine A and B, as was their custom from time to time, were engaged in that most fanciful of modern hobbies, navigation of modern paved roads in a device propelled by an internal combustion engine, whence, they happened to pass by and through the X area. It was delightful that time of year and a welcome respite from their usual tiresome surroundings. And, as fate or chance, or even perhaps the Muses had it, another fellow engaged in the very same hobby happened by. Of course, known to them, and combustion engine navigators the State over, twas C along with D. Both were fair fellows and known to A and B. As custom would insist they happened both to notice and acknowledge each other, hobbyists in the same pursuit as they were. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376358) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:09 AM Author: disturbing curious newt lodge (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#44008930) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:44 AM Author: bronze space So, we need to talk about A driving around with B. Here's the thing: they were in X area, and what's problematic is they passed by C—yes, THAT C. C had a passenger at the time, D. Here's why that's not okay. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:45 AM Author: Concupiscible dingle berry church 400 km/h, 450 km/h, 500 km/h, 550 km/h; A could feel the force of the acceleration pressing him against the sport bucket seats of his Turbo Allegra Mk. 2, their soft, well-sourced alcantara cosseting his tightly leather chapped legs, the micromechanical motors within instantaneously adjusting to each minor perturbation in the vehicle's three-axis orientation to keep him perfectly balanced, its SWIFT systems scanning kilometers ahead of them in real-time and predictively modulating the various electromagnetic and anti-kinetic shielding systems in order to protect their passage as they rocketed upward toward the gateway to area X--area X, the Sacred Seat of Cybernetic Heaven, its secrets whispering to the hovels of his birthplace below, beckoning brave boys with the Siren Song: "Come, Unlock Our Treasurehosue of Wonder or Die Trying"; "It's a goddamn marvel--" that was B, his copilot jockey, in the seat beside him--he'd always liked the tech stuff, engineered things were his jig and jive and the natural knack he'd expressed for them had been evident since his Fourth Year when he'd spontaneously programmed a molecular excavator during off time while the rest of the class was at the playground; he and B had been practicing for this for over three years, secretive sessions when the sensor rings slipped from alignment every third week on Sunday for maintena--"we have a fucking BOGEY at 3 o'clock HIGH!" B screamed, interrupting his meditation on the past--the systems of the Allegra were fast, but B was faster and he'd spotted the incoming a split second before the computerized indication of the same: "Warning, SWIFT has detected an intrusion in the third--" he cut off the computer; he knew what he needed to know: C was moving to intercept them in his Outrigger, accompanied by D; they'd planned for this eventuality, both the conflict itself and the psychology of facing your own brother and cousin 45 kilometers up in the air, each precise maneuver tiptoeing on the razor thin edge between life and death, a minute miscalculation capable of throwing you off the wrong side into a fiery midair death--there was something poignant about it, the notion that he could die up here in an instant and to his friends and family in the warrens of Bressville below, toiling through their daily tasks with no comprehension of the enormous aerial pageantry above them, his life could blot out with no greater signifier than a vanishing spot of light in the sky; he banished the thought of this and other things as he shouted in the cockpit "let's smoke these fuckers" and pushed down hard on the throttle, the frame of the Allegra bending, straining, complying with the command as they soared to meet the enemy head on, he and B laughing aloud at the thrill of it all. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376393) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:47 AM Author: bronze space Wow (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376411) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:49 AM Author: Concupiscible dingle berry church I just copied this from a brief. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376419) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:15 AM Author: motley rigor (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376574) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:21 PM Author: Idiotic naked private investor (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42377415) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:55 AM Author: Startled Galvanic Public Bath Each of A and B were driving in AREA. They both passed a car driven by C with D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376456) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:05 AM Author: High-end greedy kitchen death wish A and B passed a car driven by C, who was transporting D as a passenger, as they drove through the X area. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376505) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:07 AM Author: Exciting Hairy Legs two people, a & b, drove past c driving with d in his car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376517) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:13 AM Author: Frum haunting masturbator C and his passenger D were traveling in X area. A overtook and passed them. B overtook and passed them too. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376555) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:19 AM Author: Angry bonkers casino As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C, which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376600) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:24 AM Author: thriller flushed karate resort Haven’t read any of the replies, so someone else may have made the same suggestion, but I’d go with:
While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car containing C (driver) and D (passenger). |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:33 AM Author: Beta infuriating station writing MFE's, any resources on improving clunky writing? I recently jumped from GOV to tech (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376695) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:41 AM Author: excitant walnut turdskin You should drink more water, you're probably dehydrated. This will, among other things, improve cognitive function and therefore improve your writing. While you're at it also check your posture I bet you're slouching right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376746) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:49 AM Author: Brass Narrow-minded Coffee Pot (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376800) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:17 PM Author: maroon talking base son of senegal Just write in the active voice with short simple sentences, subject verb object. Not hard (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42377389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:16 PM Author: maroon talking base son of senegal A and B saw C driving in X (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42377381) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:28 PM Author: Dead Affirmative Action Blood Rage andy and brad were driving around brooklyn when they passed carl and dave in their car.
this doesn't define who is driving and who is riding though.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:39 PM Author: adventurous snowy mediation liquid oxygen Shitty writing is putting too much into one sentence. A and B were driving in the X area. [query: are they both driving separate cars?] C driving D passed them. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 8:29 PM Author: Razzle amethyst state kitty cat A and C, drivers, were in different cars, driving through area X, and with them were B and D, passengers; B was with A while D was with C; A and B passed by C and D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42379691) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:06 AM Author: disturbing curious newt lodge As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C in which D was a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#44008916) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:44 PM Author: sinister canary crotch OP, does this help? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#44032743) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:23 PM Author: Pet Relief Area (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#49827186) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:42 PM Author: UN peacekeeper "and containing D as" -> "in which D was", otherwise fine (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#49827205) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 1:15 PM Author: tubby spastic 11yo playing in toddler section Lots of helpful suggestions in this thread but I’m not sure we’ve got it figured out just yet. Let’s put a pin in it and move on. OP: what’s the next sentence? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#49827228) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 2:57 PM Author: Pet Relief Area (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#49827363) |