It’s weird breaking up with someone you still feel so much love for, but our Gottman ratio the last 2+ weeks together fell way under 5:1, and the prospect of maintaining our relationship 16 time zones apart felt untenable.

What we’re doing instead is spending hours each day debriefing via text and learning how we could have been partners for each other. Which ironically is improving our connection and bringing us even closer together.

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The Short Version of Why We’re Ending Things

The crux of what drove us apart was our inability to create a sustainable win/win deal.

Our first two months together were magically aligned.

In December I was writing every day and being with her gave me juicy and engaging content that helped build my writing skills and my brand.

In Bali we were both in the same group container that I was being paid to help facilitate, so once again spending time with her and spending time on my career were fully aligned.

But when that container came to an end, and she got a new job, it became clear that it was best for us to both focus on our individual careers.

Suddenly I was no longer available to hear everything she wanted to share because my career focus no longer overlapped seamlessly with our relationships. I needed to create separate time for both.

On top of that, we were going to need to be apart for at least a month.

So if we tried to stay together we would experience continued attachment flare ups without the benefits of being in person to meet each other’s needs.

I really tried to find a way to make our relationship work so well that we’d willingly choose to fight for it even if we were apart for a month, but when I looked at the deal I proposed I realized it was far worse of a deal for me than being single or exploring what else was out there.

At some point during our relationship I bought into the idea that for our relationship to work I needed to be full committed. If I ever left her, she would feel betrayed and close off to me forever. So I needed to make this one chance work.

Because of that I just kept trying harder and harder no matter how many challenges we faced. And I realized that what I was fighting to keep was actually not a deal I was a whole body yes to.

I wanted to fly back to the Bay and focus on writing a book, but in order for us to spend time together, my evenings would be spent on zoom calls with her, which would be her morning/afternoon.

We’d both be free to date, but my dates would likely land in the evening which would mean I’d have to reschedule plans with her (leading to her feeling dropped) while her dates would happen while I was sleeping.

Meaning I'd experience an asymmetrical pain for exercising the exact same autonomy.

And all while I'm giving her inner and outer world way more attention than she’s giving my inner and outer world.

So when I finally gave myself the space to imagine letting go of the relationship completely. I felt a sense of relief.

I wouldn’t have time to write the book and maintain our relationship. And if I focused solely on writing the book, I could potentially date someone who’s excited to help midwife the book and be my creative muse.

For years I have put relationships ahead of finding and living my purpose, and the irony of this relationship is that it was actually so good that it showed me the limits of what a relationship could provide.

Past versions of me would have chased her to the ends of the Earth and wooed her until she would’ve been happy living in mud hut with me. But even though she was willing to go all in and make it work no matter what, I’m realizing that I will never have a fully polarized relationship until I can become someone who can fully provide for his partner.

Which means I need to break out of the safety of playing small, and begin taking risks that force me out of my comfort zone.

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Our Relationship Moving Forward

I’m still going to play the role of energetic protector in her life.

Which means that if she has an issue with another masculine, she has a masculine in her life who’s willing to sort that out.

I want her to be well loved and taken care of, even if I’m not the one there to watch her light up when she feels safe and secure.

As I’m writing this she’s on a date with a good friend of mine that I set her up with.

If they happen to work out, I’ll still get to love her through him, because I support him in all his relationships. We’ve talked about our relationships every other week for the last 5 years, and he dated one of my previous exes for 8 months, so we already know this configuration works well for us.

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Full Debrief to Follow

As I mentioned earlier, we’re spending hours each day debriefing what happened and reversing polarity to help us both understand the relationship from the opposite perspective.

It’s fascinating to observe our patterns coming up while we have enough space and distance to see them. It’s like we’re both willing to own our part in what we could have done better, and then we’re able to bring those learnings to our present day connection.

This will undoubtedly lead to many juicy, vulnerable posts, which I will try to write in a timely fashion while also carving time out for my book.

Consider this Season 2 of our epic love story that began in December. And even though you already know how this season is going to end, the twists and turns and all the juicy little details of being human are worth sticking around for.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5833588&forum_id=2#49662774)